at city centre 9 pm, just like you wrote. and i try to think about. snow coming in just like before. i will be on stand-by, releasing the vapour into the lung, getting the wings unfurl. and for a moment i feel young. i call on the bird. unfurl. it's time to chose side now. that's what you said when we talked on the phone. so white our eyes. you are still. are you paralyzed.*

*song by katatonia, unfurl

a man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

“daddy, may i ask you a question?”

“yeah, sure, what is it?” replied the man.

“daddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

“that’s none of your business! what makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

“i just want to know. please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

“if you must know, i make $20.00 an hour.”

“oh, ” the little boy replied, head bowed. looking up, he said, “daddy, may i borrow $10.00 please?”

the father was furious. “if the only reason you want to know how much money i make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. think about why you’re being so selfish. i work long, hard hours everyday and don’t have time for such childish games.”

the little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. the man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning. how dare he ask such questions only to get some money. after an hour or so , the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son. may be there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. the man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door. “are you asleep son?” he asked.

“no daddy, i’m awake,” replied the boy.

“i’ve been thinking, maybe i was too hard on you earlier,” said the man. “it’s been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you. here’s that $10.00 you asked for.”

the little boy sat straight up, beaming. “oh, thank you daddy!” he yelled. then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills. the man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. the little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

“why did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

“because i didn’t have enough, but now i do,” the little boy replied.

“daddy, i have $20.00 now… can i buy an hour of your time?”

....

[introduksi yang sebetulnya tidak perlu kecuali untuk menajamkan eksistensi]

seandainya saya mengganda, saya akan membisikkan kata-kata serupa. sayangnya, cirex melahirkan kata-kata itu lebih dulu daripada saya. hehe.. becanda.

ini adalah satu lagi tulisan cirex yang membuat saya jatuh hati, saya gandakan dan saya tempel di sini. saya boyong paksa untuk singgah, tertanam, dan terbaca oleh siapa saja yang sengaja atau tak sengaja, telanjur atau tidak untuk menoleh ke halaman ini.

saya mengunyahnya dengan penuh suka cita dan cemas. mungkin kawan-kawan pun begitu. mungkin juga tidak. mungkin sebagian besar akan mencarik kertas, meraih pena, menuliskannya kembali, dan merapalkannya lekat-lekat di telinga manusia kecil yang Allaah hadirkan di tengah kehidupan kawan-kawan. mungkin juga tidak. biar saja.

Selamat datang, Nak, selamat datang di kehidupan yang kerap menjelma persimpangan tanpa marka jalan. Bersiaplah. Kebenaran yang hanya satu sering bersembunyi malu-malu, dan kejahatan sering berpura-pura tanpa ragu. Tak perlu kau terlampau risau. Selama kau pandai mengemas waspada, aku pastikan segalanya akan baik-baik saja. Hiduplah untuk bercuriga. Saat ini mungkin kau sangsi, setelah besar nanti kau akan mengangguk pasti.
 
Selamat datang, Nak, aku tak memiliki apa-apa untuk menyambut kedatanganmu kecuali sebaris nama. Tentu kau akan bertanya mengapa kau harus bernama. Tidak harus, Nak, tapi begitulah manusia. Semenjak Allah mengajarkan Adam tentang nama-nama, semenjak itulah manusia gemar memberi nama-nama. Manusia menamakan makhluk terbang itu burung, menamakan makhluk air itu ikan, menamakan sesuatu yang tinggi menjulang itu pohon, menamakan itu pelangi, itu sungai, itu samudra, itu cakrawala, itu debu dan pasir hitam. Dunia ini memang milik manusia, Nak, berbanggalah akan hal itu. Kau boleh mengubah nama yang aku berikan itu, kelak, jika kau tak menyukainya. Sebab, memang begitulah manusia. Gemar mengubah nama-nama. Gemar mengubah tanda-tanda. Gemar mengubah segalanya. Gemar mengubah peradaban hingga akhir zaman. Tapi tak sanggup mengubah hakikat dirinya sendiri bahkan sampai napas tersangkut di tenggorokan.

Selamat datang, Nak, aku akan mendampingimu dalam kebahagiaan dan kecemasan yang berimbang. Kehidupan tanpa kebahagiaan adalah kematian. Kehidupan tanpa kecemasan adalah kehidupan yang harus diperiksa ulang.
Selamat datang, Nak, selamat karena telah menjadi seorang manusia.

Salam sayang dari seseorang yang telah dipilih Allah untuk menjadi ayahmu:
Aku

temui langsung penulis di sini jika andapun jatuh hati dengan tulisannya

i've seen it all, i have seen the trees,
i've seen the willow leaves dancing in the breeze
i've seen a friend killed by a friend,
and lives that were over before they were spent.
i've seen what i was - i know what i'll be
i've seen it all - there is no more to see !

you haven't seen elephants, kings or Peru !
i'm happy to say i had better to do
what about China ? have you seen the Great Wall ?
all walls are great, if the roof doesn't fall !

and the man you will marry ?
the home you will share ?
to be honest, i really don't care...

you've never been to Niagara Falls ?
i have seen water, its water, that's all...
the Eiffel Tower, the Empire State ?
my pulse was as high on my very first date !
your grandson's hand as he plays with your hair ?
to be honest, i really don't care...

i've seen it all, i've seen the dark
i've seen the brightness in one little spark.
i've seen what i chose and i've seen what i need,
and that is enough, to want more would be greed.
i've seen what i was and i know what i'll be
i've seen it all - there is no more to see !

you've seen it all and all you have seen
you can always review on your own little screen
the light and the dark, the big and the small
just keep in mind - you need no more at all
you've seen what you were and know what you'll be
you've seen it all - there is no more to see !

- bjork&thom yorke -

all humans are dead except those who have knowledge; and those who have knowledge are asleep, except those who do good deeds; and those who do good deeds are deceived, except those who are sincere; and those who are sincere are always in a state of worry.

[imam asy syafi'iy]

oh satellite above. where are you? so many things i have to tell you of. please come back soon. you went through an open door or a hole in the floor. you vanished and i can't see you anymore

dreams never die. when we sleep leave the open sky and the deep shades over head of blue and red. is this the end? will you come back again?

i searched beyond the clouds. are you there? i walked sadly onward through the crowds alone somewhere. i saw beyond the blur to right where you were and i beheld the sight so pure.

sky sailing | blue and rad | dressmaker | nikon d50 | adobe photshop cs4 | adieuamateur | 2010

saat aku lelah menulis dan membaca, di atas buku-buku kuletakkan kepala. dan saat pipiku menyentuh sampulnya, hatiku tersengat. kewajibanku masih berjebah. bagaimana mungkin aku bisa beristirahat?
- imam an nawawi

don't walk the plank like i did
you will be dispensed with
when you've become inconvenient
up on harrowdown hill
where you used to go to school
thats where i am
thats where I'm lying down

did i fall or was i pushed?
did i fall or was i pushed?
and wheres the blood?
and wheres the blood?

i'm coming home
i'm coming home
to make it all right
so dry your eyes

we think the same things at the same time
we just cant do anything about it

so don't ask me
ask the ministry
don't ask me
ask the ministry

we think the same things at the same time
there are so many of us
so you can't count

we think the same things at the same time
there are too many of us
so you can't count

can you see me when i'm running?
can you see me when i'm running?
away from them

i can't take their pressure
no one cares if you live or die
they just want me gone
they want me gone

i'm coming home
i'm coming home
to make it all right
so dry your eyes

we think the same things at the same time
we just cant do anything about it

we think the same things at the same time
there are too many of us
so you can't count

i was lured into the back of harrowdown hill
it was me lured into the back of harrowdown hill
i was lured into the back of harrowdown hill
it was a slippery slippery slippery slope
it was a slippery slippery slippery slope
i feel me slipping in and out of consciousness
i feel me slipping in and out of consciousness

i feel me...

* thom yorke, harrowdown hill

dear you who's reading this letter, where are you and what are you doing now? for me who's 15 years old, there are seeds of worries i can't tell anyone. if it's a letter addressed to my future self, surely i can confide truly to myself. now, it seems that i'm about to be defeated and cry for someone who's seemingly about to disappear. whose words should i believe in? this one-and-only heart has been broken so many times. in the midst of this pain, i live the present

dear you, thank you. i have something to tell the 15-year-old you. if you continue asking what and where you should be going, you'll be able to see the answer. the rough seas of youth may be tough, but row your boat of dreams on towards the shores of tomorrow. now, please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear during these times when you're seemingly about to disappear. just believe in your own voice. for me as an adult, there are sleepless nights when i'm hurt, but i'm living the bittersweet present. there's meaning to everything in life. so build your dreams without fear. keep on believing. no matter era we're in. there's no running away from sorrow. so show your smile, and go on living the present. go on living the present

dear you who's reading this letter, i wish you happiness.*


* Tegami (translation), Angela Aki

ini tentang dua keping dvd dan kengerian saya, juga tentang dosen kawan saya yang mungkin akan tertawa ala devil saat menyaksikan kawan saya terjebak dalam sistem perkuliahan di kampusnya...

pembicaraan saya dan seorang kawan saya yang perempuan malam-malam bermula dari frida. kawan saya menjelaskan bahwa di hari jadinya 6 juli lalu, frida kahlo menjadi topik paling atas di twitter. hingga kawan saya berkata, "jadi pengen nonton filmnya."

"ngeri!" tanggapan saya spontan kala itu. tidak seluruhnya, tapi setidaknya saya pernah membuka dan mengintip kisah hidupnya lewat lembaran yang ditulis barbara mujica sedikit-sedikit sambil mengantuk. perempuan meksiko yang beridentitas frida itu memang berparas cantik. ia pelukis yang narsis. tidak sedikti orang yang berpendapat, frida seakan menciptakan cermin ketika ia mulai menggoreskan kuasnya.

bukan hanya itu. frida melegenda barangkali karena pemberontakannya. ia feminis, ia nasionalis, dan komunis, maka itu benar, dari beberapa buku yang saya baca. ia seorang perempuan cantik yang memiliki kecenderungan seksual terhadap jenis apapun. itu benar, menurut buku yang saya baca. dan begitulah, sampai saya pun sedikit mengetahui bahwa penghujung hidupnya tragis, begitu tragis. oleh karena itu, barangkali goenawan mohamad pun merasa perlu mempersembahkan sesuatu istimewa untuk frida, segenggam puisi.

barangkali. namun yang pasti, bagi saya, itulah yang mengerikan. itulah yang melatarbelakangi saya berkomentar "ngeri" pada kawan saya yang ingin menonton film besutan julie taymor tahun 2002 dan dibintangi salma hayek itu. bukunya saja bagi saya sangat "mengerikan", apalagi visualisasinya (meski dalam hal ini saya masih tetap berpendapat, visualisasi novel atau karya tulis apapun melalui film pastinya tidak akan pernah bisa mengimbangi imajinasi si penulis saat menuangkan idenya dalam bentuk tulisan. makanya saya ngga suka cerita andrea hirata jadi another lalat pasar).

dan kengerian ini yang membuat saya yakin untuk meremas dua keping dvd hingga jadi pecahan kecil dan melemparnya ke tong sampah. film pertama, atas rekomendasi seorang kawan saat saya sedang begitu bernyali untuk menonton thriller. yang kedua, karena saya tertarik baca sinopsisnya saat nangkring sore-sore di samping gerbang unpad. saya terjebak. dua-duanya film yang tidak saya kehendaki.

sial. kawan saya yang perempuan dan ingin menonton frida itu menertawakan saya sejadi-jadinya. "untung ga kuliah di sastra," kawan saya bilang.

ya, untung saya tidak jadi memutuskan untuk nakal lagi dengan pindah ke fakultas yang gedungnya bersebelahan dengan tempat kuliah saya sekarang. tanpa menjadi mahasiswa sastra pun, sebagai pemulung dan orang yang tak tahu apa-apa, saya seringkali shocked dengan film-film yang saya pilih dan saya tonton. dan akhirnya saya harus sadar, maklum, dan harus pandai membuat self sensor bahwa itulah nilai jual dari film-film barat, sesuatu yang menurut sigmund freud akan membuat manusia menjadi benar-benar hidup dan berharga: seksualitas.

dan betapa malang kawan saya. ia bercerita, sekali waktu, untuk bahasan suatu mata kuliah (aaaaaaah saya benar-benar lupa apa mata kuliahnya), ia diharuskan dosennya menonton film dokumenter tentara negeri paman sam dalam perangnya di vietnam (saudara-saudara, sungguh, as menang perang itu hanya mitos) dengan segala embel-embelnya, termasuk tentara-tentara itu saat bersenang-senang dengan perempuan-perempuan muda vietnam. dosen kawan saya itu, sangat berhasrat sekali untuk membuat kawan saya yang berideologi vis a vis dengan ideologinya menjadi duplikatnya (sang dosen).

"saya membayangkan dosenmu tertawa devil karena puas menyaksikan kamu meronta-ronta dalam jebakannya yang sangat cantik dan resmi itu, dan berkata dalam hati: haha... sejauh apapun kamu berlari dari saya dan pemikiran-pemikiran saya, kamu tidak akan mampu keluar, karena kamu harus di sini, terikat pada lingkaran yang tidak kamu inginkan itu," ujar saya.

"kok sama pikirannya?" kawan saya malah bertanya balik.

entahlah, jawab saya dalam hati.

namun rasanya michael foucault, pencetus penjara panotikon itu, benar dalam hal ini: "pengetahuan dan kekuasaan saling terkait satu sama lain. kita tidak bisa membayangkan bahwa suatu ketika pengatahuan tidak lagi bergantung pada kekuasaaan, sebagaimana mustahil pengetahuan tidak mengandung kekuasaan"*

-----------------------
* dicuri dari "matinya ilmu komunikasi", st tri guntur narwayan. edward said cukup bisa 'diajak bicara banyak' soal ini.

...if we could just be immobile for some time and finally figure out the way we feel about the missing puzzle pieces and cloudy question marks that still look a bit surreal...

*

* malam ini, owl city kembali terdengar merdu.

"so what, life's tough. you should get over yourself like everyone else and enjoy the girls and the boys, and everything in between. serena, in an effort to avoid the things that annoy you, you hide- far, far away, and life just passes you by. serena, are you gonna give up? are you gonna give out? ain't that a shame? you've got no one to blame but your conscience. if it doesn't make sense, i know that only too well. so tell me, did it happen one day when the day that you faced wasn't happening. it just didn't bring anything more than despair. serena, do you remember, morning would come and just like a child filled with the sun, and the hours never seemed long. where have those days gone? beyond us... or so you would believe. but I can't agree, those illusions. will you ever get through them and find the diamond inside?"

-serena, duncan sheik-

"WESTERN Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give the appearance of solidity to pure wind"
- George Orwell -

aftermath - dialysis


aftermath - reclaim the quds


aftermath - intiqam


aftermath - innerstate


aftermath - mighty gentiles


aftermath - the great saraceni

'pengantar tidur'.... :D (sedikit melepas rindu saya untuk mengacak telinga dengan burger kill.... dan bukan hanya itu..... )

so accustomed are we to this cliche, that we barely ever stop look at it critically, or verify its validity. in order to decide how sound this phrase is in its logic and practicality, let us first look at the term 'fair'. the dictionary defines 'fair' as an exact following of a standard of what is right and proper'. in fact, being fair involves doing things that are ethical and just, rather than things that are correct according to the law. in any situations, ethical issues are bound to arise, and whenever such ethical issues arise, actions can be categorized as either ethical or unethical, and hence fair or unfair. is it then possible for everything to be fair under any circumstances? i think not.

first, let's analyze whether any action one undertakes when he or she in love can be described as fair or ethical. suppose a man, due to his blind love for his wife, agrees to be her accomplice in committing a murder. under such circumstances, is killing fair? think of a boy who helps to cover up the fact that a girl is selling drugs to teenagers because he is desperately in love with her. are the boy's actions then ethical because he is doing everything out of love for the girl? assume a girl, in her eagerness to get the boy she loves, takes the shelter of lies in order to break the boy's relationship with another girl. does the fact that the former girl is in love whit the boy justify her lies? more often than nor, treacheries and mistakes cannot be excused only because done out of love does not make the actions ethical or fair. then, on what basis should we say that everything is fair in love?

now, think of wars. bloodshed, torture, treachery, injustice - these are the words that come to my mind when i think of wars. these are things that define wars. war itself has everything to do with unfairness. how is then everything in a war fair? a soldier holds an innocent child as hostage during the war. is that fair? a man is forced to abandon his country of birth due to a war. is that fair? no matter how much u look for it, i am sure you will not find any reasons that justify these actions. it is therefore impossible for everything to be fair in a war? one can always argue that since there are no rules during wars, everything can be regarded as right, and hence, everything can be perceived as fair. this logic is only applicable if one defines fair actions as actions that comply with laws and regulations rather than actions that can be described as being ethical. also, one can argue that since the actions are not judged at all, it can be defined as fair. although this ironic logic may be used to win a debate, it is based on the weak foundation that anything that is not unfair, and hence, it is logic considerably questionable.

there will never be any such situations where everything is fair and ethical. the statement: "everything is fair in love and war" is therefore an obsolete cliche by using which people attempt to justify acts for which they can summon no other reason or justification.

------------
taken from a note someone gave me days ago

i know a girl. she puts the color inside of my world. but she's just like a maze where all of the walls are continually changed. and i've done all i can to stand on her steps with my heart in my hands. now i'm starting to see. maybe it's got nothing to do with me.

fathers, be good to your daughters. daughters will love like you do. girls become lovers who turn into mothers. so mothers, be good to your daughters too.

you see that skin? it's the same she's been standing in since the day she saw him walking away. now she's left, cleaning up the mess he made.

fathers, be good to your daughters. daughters will love like you do. girls become lovers who turn into mothers. so mothers, be good to your daughters too.

boys, you can break. you'll find out how much they can take. boys will be strong and boys soldier in. but boys would be gone without the warmth from a woman's good, good heart.

on behalf of every man, looking out for every girl, you're the guide and the weight of her world.

fathers, be good to your daughters. daughters will love like you do. girls become lovers who turn into mothers. so mothers, be good to your daughters too.

The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said: "Whoever had three daughters and showed patience in their keeping, their pleasure and displeasure, Allah admits him to Paradise for his mercy over them." A man asked,"And what about two daughters, O Messenger of Allah?" He said, "And two daughters as well."Another asked, "O Messenger of Allah, what about one daughter?" He said, "And one daughter as well." (Narrated by Abu Huraira. Al-Hakim)

and tire yourself out. because it makes life worth living. i have seen that water stagnates when it stands still, yet when it runs it is sweet and pure

[imam asy syafi'iy]

If I hadn't made me, I'd have fallen apart by now.
I won't let them make me..It's more than I can allow.
So when I make me, I won't be paper-Mache..
And if I fuck me...I'll fuck me in my own way.
Fuck me in my own way
[Incubus, MAKE YOURSELF]